Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
