I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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