Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
