Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
3pm strippers are depressing
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
