The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
