Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
