I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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