every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you mean i was at the winter classic?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
