even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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