I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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