I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
