Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
