i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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