A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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