He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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