1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
