apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
