Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
