I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
In America we eat man semen.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
