one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
