Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
