I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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