You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
