I'm pants shitting drunk right now
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
