he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I currently don't understand fingers.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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