By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm getting married
To pizza
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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