hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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