I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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