He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
