I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
