I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
