if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
