At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
