You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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