well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
