I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
