Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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