I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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