There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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