Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
