Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
