Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
