so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
