I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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