guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
