I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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