If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
