based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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