me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
