I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
